Episode 27
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
The Trash Train is chugging along on its perineum track straight to Jerry Springer Station. Here’s the Update for Trash Bags, ep 27 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
What in all farkery is Partner Swap week, and why the hell is it even a thing? Well, my learned friends, it's to ummmm... fark, I don't know. It's a reality show, and they need to do dumb sht so people like us can throw stuff at the telly. And still watch. Let’s have a peek to see what our Calamity of Douche Canoes are up to.
Twenty to Life Jamie woke up as the doona was a little stiff from Yo Adrian. #pleasedontmakemeexplain
Actress Veronica woke up VERY happy next to The Big Friendly Giant Dave, who was feeling the pinch after the "I love you" declaration from Jamie.
I Complete Me Jacqui was complete after spending time with her favourite steaming lady, Deidre Chambers Jeff, who is "on point." Seriously mate, stop looking at him like that; you're making me uncomfortable. #atthejeffhotel
Int It Beth was playing BlockBlast on her phone in a bid to ignore Jacqui with a Peen Ryan, who was eating from his nan's mixing bowl #orwasitfullofkeys
And before we get into the night, we sat through the clip of Paul taking a dump on his wife to Awhina Warrior Twincess. #calibreofyoursister.
Expert Mel appeared on screen to explain the Couples Swap: "It will allow our couples to gain outside perspective so they can make informed decisions for outside of the experiment." Hahahah, stop it ya big funster. #getyourendingetyourfriendsin
Twenty to Life Jamie and Yo Adrian - the Honesty Letter
In her letter to Dave— that she read to Yo— Jamie discussed her lack of sex with the BFG. Yup, I can see this isn't going to go down #ha well with Dave. Anywho, Jamie always initiates sex, and apparently, they don't boof a whole bunch. Yo Adrian gave Jamie "the hard truths... He's not attracted to you," which Jamie felt could only be classified as "a conspiracy theory until Dave tells me otherwise."
Jamie thinks he might not be a "sexual person," and Yo—who I'm convinced has been swapped with his twin brother—said something along the lines of #yeahnah.
Later on, Yo Adrian also told Jamie he didn't think her and Dave would last, but if Dave "was holding back for the experiment, you'll see it really quickly." Ok, Yoda. This redemption arc thing is really getting pushed for you, isn't it, Yo? Maybe he should now be called Yoda and learn lines like "the greatest teacher failure is."
Yo also added that Dave would not say "I love you" on national TV, which hint hint, Jamie, he probs won't want to talk about his sex drive on telly either. #whatevesyoudoyouboo
Then we catch up with a loudly giggly Actress Veronica undressing Dave with her ears—(cause she uses her eyes to listen "I heard it with my own eyes!") Veronica spent a lot of time in front of the camera tonight trying to milk the "oh yeah, Dave is great. Dave is ***giggle giggle*** a really attractive person." Man, I'm sure the producers will be hatching plans for the Dinner Party tomorrow night #bokboksmakingplans
All the ladies were excited to get back to their hubsters, except for Jacqui and Veronica. Yup, Jacqui just wanted to pee on Jeff's leg and claim ownership while Veronica got suggestive with a cucumber to Dave. #calmdownwiththecucumber
Carina climbed all over Paul and won't be "going anywhere again." #untilthesnob
And Yoda Adrian made sense again about the 'calibre' comment: "It shows the level of maturity she has... it's surprising, the cracks are starting to show." Wow, Yoda, look at you go. Far out, when Adrian starts making sense, you know the world has gone to sht.
Paul's 'task' of farkery was to read the letter where he canned Carina out to her... so he laughed. Yup, it’s just hilarious to dump on your judgey wife, hey mate? Paul read the letter and skipped over the word "snob." #oopsadaisy. Then he ***accidentally*** left the letter on the table, so Carina read it and questioned him: "Snob?"
And he laughed, stalling for time: "Oh, oui. I wasn't sure. You know, I no good English." (I can't write with a French accent) "Insult? No? I don't know what the word means. 'Oui Oui?'" #ofcourseiamfrench
What a Coincidence/Look At My Shoulders Rhi was chuffed hearing Jeff's letter as it was all lubbily jubbily. These two declared their love of steaming clothes together. #atthejeffhotel
I Complete Me Jacqui's letter to Jacqui with a Peen Ryan was completely cooked. It started with ramblings about Jeff, followed by her "concerns" that Ryan wants a "trad wife." #traditionallikelaureniguess. He wouldn't be able to "financially contribute enough," and he wouldn't "be happy being a stay-at-home dad."
Ryan was shocked: "Being a stay-at-home dad is the most ridiculous thing!" I mean, he HAS worked in "sales and stormwater!" and wants to leave a legacy. #ofsht. #twatwaffleseverywhere
Ryan will "never be a stay-at-home dad. It's insulting to think I'd even consider that! MY GOD!" Wow, Ryan, you might not want to look after your fake kids if Jacqui was in a fake coma, but try not to shit on all the single dads out there, yeah? Far out, and here I was thinking you'd make a great "trophy husband." #participationtrophy
One L Eliot was optimistic about meeting up with his wife, Actress Veronica, who in turn carried out her promise of letting her 'real' personality shine through. Her letter was pretty much all about the BFG Dave: "In less than 24 hours, I knew more about Dave! He makes eye contact, he's present!"
Eliot waited the good part of the letter... and waited... just to be met with Veronica trying out for the role in the new Exorcism movie. Here’s their convo:
Veronica: I was eating, and Dave offered me sauce! He took my plate!
Eliot:So it was like a restaurant experience?
Veronica: Interesting choice of words! SO patronising! Do you think that's appropriate?
Eliot: It sounds like you're learning lines from your movie.
Veronica: DISRESPECT!! It's like nothing I've ever experienced!! I want nothing to do with you! No respect! You're beneath ME.
Eliot: *slow clapping* And the Oscar goes to..... VERONICA!! Amazing! That was the perfect ending.
Veronica stormed out: "You are like talking to a brick wall."
OK, so what the fck just happened? I mean, One L was calm and logical, and Veronica, again, looked for something to lose her mind about. If you hate the guy that much, Chicka, just leave the freaking show. #offyoufck
Then we get to Jamie telling Dave she'd discussed their intimacy level—and lack thereof—to Yo Adrian. #yoda on national telly. Oh, I'm not sure this is going to end well. Jamie wanted to know where Dave stood and if their intermittent boofing was directly related to how he felt about her. Does that make sense?
Dave seemed uncomfortable, and I couldn't help but think he was trying to get away with not answering: "My heart hurts that you brought this up... I'm not as sexually expressive as you... it hurts that you're questioning the whole thing. I do care about you."
Ok, so I'll make this short 'cause I need to go to bed. Jamie wanted reassurance; Dave said, "Because I'm deeper, I feel like sex and all those things are connected to those feelings." Jamie asked, "So are we having a lack of sex 'cause you're not in the love stage?" and it was a yes or no question to Dave... and his answer was "yes." Blah blah, they’re just on different pages. #butstillthesamebook... as long as Veronica doesn't try and borrow it.
Then we went back over to visit Carina and Paul to watch him still trying to work out what the word 'snob' meant. Don't be a dckhead; you know what it means.
Then something really 'ick' happened: a camera guy filmed through a crack in the window #peekaboo of Paul stroking Carina's face, saying quietly, "That was a really tough one. In the future, if there's any other concerns, you just tell me whatever they may be."
Ummmmmm….ick.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodlepips!
Fi xx