Episode 5
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
What on all warrior wankfest was that about? Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 5 on the manufactured Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
It's the last of the weddings so let's get on with it so we can get to the #dramallama of the Dinner Party and Couch of Farkery
The Match Ups
We meet Tony, a 53 year old Macedonian who lives by himself with some old chickens #bokboks in the house his parents left him. Tony comes across as an easy going fella who 'forgets' the camera is on him and is from down my way #lovethegong. Tony is 'young at heart' and is looking for someone who can collect the eggs from out the back with a 'young energy' to match his own.
Enter Morena, a 'strong minded and driven 57 year old fitness instructor who bangs out tunes as a DJ on the weekends. Morena has 2 kids and believes age is just a number yada yada
Next up we have Jacqui, the exact type of person I would walk away from mid sentence #byefelicianotimeforfullstops Yup, Jacqui is 29 and i tell ya, you've all missed out not having her in your life.#shecompletesher. Yup. Jacqui is 'hot", like ummmm super 'law/finance first class honours" smart, was Miss NZ, a model, a dancer, played multiple sports, runs, has read over 2000 books (insert more random stuff that i couldn't be arsed typing) and can be bored by people. Again, yup.
Jacqui is basically looking for herself with a peen #sozforthepeen attached to a masculine guy who can handle her greatness **cough cough**
Enter Ryan, a guy who considers himself a bit of a "modern hybrid: I have a warrior's mentality and modern self awareness" which is a bit of a wank, but keep going mate “My presence is something special...people gravitate towards me...I look like I can perform athletically, i'm successful and strong" AND WILL YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING? Far out, I'm really confused how either of these two were single or how I lived not having them in my life #forfodder
The Experts praised the older couple and I swear I saw them high five each other about making us watch Ryan and Jacqui.
THE WEDDINGS
DJ MORENA AND TONY
I'm really sorry, but every time i look at Tony in that red jacket, i'm reminded of a game show host like Greg Evans #perfectmatch Anywho Greg Evans Tony and his cousins got on the Rakija before the wedding. AFTER the rakija they performed a traditional Masso face shave with a freaking mini axe. Yup #madmassos #dontkillme. I have a question: is Masso the right spelling as the slang for Macedonians?
Cleanish shaven at the altar, Tony admired Morena in the wedding dress "the beauty of a woman. I can see it in her eyes" and awwwww these two seem lovely together. The Tonemeister found his "queen" and presented his new bride with the necklace his parents would have given had they been alive #emo #chanel Morena added that Tony's parents "are here. They're up there with my parents having a grappa" Awwwwww these two
STOP TALKING JACQUI AND HYBRID RYAN THE WARRIOR
We have a slow mo of hybrid Ryan getting ready with his pisstake sounding voiceover "I’m a risk taker, I 'm a confronter. I'm a multi dimensional mammal." Yup, Ryan can "lift heavy things" and "knows basic plumbing" which is handy for someone that speaks so much sht he could clog himself up..STOP FCKG TALKING.
Speaking of wanting people to stop talking, Jacqui tells us she comes from 'good genetics' and wants "blonde children" #thehillsarealive
Over at the altar, Ryan joked with "my boys" while Jacqui's carbon copy sister judged them from the front row "they have boy gang energy" And just when I wanted to throw boiled rice at her, Jacqui walked down the aisle disappointed in Ryan's dark hair #pureracenotforjacqui.
Jacqui was wholeheartedly unimpressed with her beau's prepared wedding vows #whaaat and avoided his eyes while Ryan was impressed with the 'natural eye contact' from Jacqui #hahahahhafaaaark. Jacqui's vows consisted of a weird outline of her CV, a demand for an Eastern Suburbs mortgage, a puppy, a jacket whenever she was feeling cold and her penchant for giving nicknames "yours is Ry Ry" Ummmm no Jacqui, I'm the only one that gives nicknames but thanks for your help.
Aaaaand then Jacqui did a piece to camera and cried. As in, cry cried as she had to grab his ha-
Over at the photos, Jacqui was cold while Ryan stayed warm in his warrior white tux jacket. Ooooooooh, Jacqui was pissed and like, "so embarrassed" he didn’t volunteer it immediately #warriorsgetcoldtoo
THE RECEPTIONS
Greg Evans Tony and DJ Morena
Greg Evans Tony networked his way around the room after agreeing to be trained by Morena in the early hours of the morning #aftertheggsarecollected. While the warmth was being felt around the room and on our screens, another cousin of Tony's was judging from the dark back corner of the reception.
Yup, cousin Stephen is "extremely close to Tony" and wasn't impressed by Morena being 57. Yowza dude. Dragging Tony outside for a chat, Stephen explained Tony should have been "awarded someone younger." 'cause you know, Tony has his own teeth and good hair. WHAT THE ACTUAL STEPHEN and ummmmmm….what? Awarded???? Oh Stevie Boy did you miss out on the pre wedding rakija as you were getting prepped by a shit stirring producer? Whatevs you ageist, off you fck.
Back inside, good cousin Zoren hit the rakija bottle and danced for one of the more successful #sofar Mafs weddings in 2025 #exceptforcousinstephen .
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With a Peen Ryan
Over on the head table, Jacqui was red flagging TF out of "Ry Ry" and his choice of a Kelpie cross staffy for a wonder woofer. 'Cause you know, Jacqui likes dogs that "hunt for rabbits" #bevewyvewyquietwerehuntingwabbits And Chicka, where the fck are you going to find rabbits in your fictional Eastern suburbs house with it's matching basins for your imaginary hunting dog to chase?
And just when I started to have a teeny tiny bit of sympathy for Ryan, he piped in that could do "200kg in squats" before mentioning dragons and wolves or some such sht to us. #hohum
After explaining he was bullied at high school during his wedding speech, Jacqui thawed a smidge towards the guy who is a "deep thinker" and "very intelligent" like her and smiled in preparation of their wedding dance. Holding his bride and going in for the big, manly, warrior type dip,our big macho Ryan dropped her on the floor. As in, dipped and dropped AND fell on top of her. Geez mate, how embarrassing
Ryan went straight into damage control mode 'cause dropping your bride when you can squat like a motherfckr is not exactly the most warrior like thing to do is it big fella? He approached the producers who were kind enough to leave the cameras rolling as he begged for the scene not to be broadcast "i'm not thinking about me...I'm thinking about her and preserving that woman's dignity"
Hahaha Ryan you're on MAFS, everyone's dignity is in the toilet #luckyyoucanfixshitters
And that's all she wrote
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx