Episode 17
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!!
Did you know every time someone says 'accountable,' a fairy loses its wings? Yup, they're not ants on the ground
folks, so careful stomping! #poorwinglessfairies. Here's the Update for Trash Bags, ep 17 on the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
There's a bunch to "unpack," so let’s peek behind closed doors to see what the Calamity of Douche Canoes are up to:
I Complete Me Jacqui and Jacqui With a Peen Ryan are in wedded bliss. Yup. They had hundreds of selfies pinned to a wall, which was weird considering the whole Photo Wall of Farkery #dramallama. Ryan dipped Jacqui and didn't drop her, so, you know, all good.
DJ Morena and Greg Evans Tony talked about 'blossoming' after their war of the roses outfits at the Dinner Party. Aaaanddd.... oh, hang on! The current Dckhead Gold Medal podium standing recipient, Yo Adrian, yelled out from his solo apartment, "OI!!! EJHEGOIHGREOGHIAEG GRGLGAEDLGIALEGKHLKEG!" Far out Mumbles, I really can't keep translating for you, so I’ll write what the screen told me you said. Comprende?
Yo, with his freshly minted eyebrows, was frustrated after getting pinged by the mob at the Dinner Party for the 'Promo Shoot Scandal of 2025.' Yup, Yo dopily told us he wanted an apology from Awhina Warrior Princess for, ummmm... I don't know. The destroyer of words was "hurt too" and figured holding Awhina's hand and smiling at her would make her go "Oh Yo, what would I - or the MAFS production team - do without you?" Dude, she has a fckg child; she knows how to deal with 2-year-olds. Get over yourself.
Awhina spoke about Yo not being "accountable" for his actions as he deflected like a twatwaffle. Yo wasn't having a bar of it, "If I hear 'deflect' one more time! You can't win with these women!" Oh Yo, why is it so? #causeyoureabigfcknknobbyknobknob
In another studio apartment, Baby Reindeer Billy was sitting on the bed like a wounded puppy. "Reality Retread Sierah needs to hold herself accountable to me too!" ***sings chorus of "What About Me."***
Speaking of Sierah, her reality show contestant skills were top-notch as she sat bawling her cheatin' meat eyes out. "I'm upset about the wife swap comment.... I'm sorry, but I'm not a commodity you can swap!" Is it weird that I laughed? #commoditysierah
Our newlywed, Int It Beth, showed us the level of her commitment to Reality Retread #2 Tee Jay, by keeping her wedding ring in a zip-lock lunch bag with her Lovisa earring collection. #trueloveintheziplockbag
THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY AKA THE COUCH OF FARKERY
Expert John welcomed the new couples and tolf the mob to be prepared to "lay it all out on the table." #alessandrafrothed before asking the first victims to come up on the couch.
ONE L ELIOT THE BACKWARDS TOILET AND ACTRESS VERONICA
Lauren hissed from the back, "Face the music, mthrfckr!" #noshedidnt as Veronica admitted she was "confronted" by Toilet's behaviour at the Dinner Party. Expert John questioned Toilet on his inability to say sorry for standing on the Dckhead Podium with Yo, and then it happened... I got to see Eliot's acting chops:
"Regrets, I've had a few." #okfrank "I'm soz Loz, I didn't consider your feelings." ***winked at producer and whispered, 'cause I don't give a fck, I just wanna be on the telly.*** My checklist is even in the bin! ***whispers, hahaha no it's not but I can't look like a twat again ahahaha.*** I like Veronica! See, I even wore my winter tennis outfit 'cause unlike Lauren, she doesn't get puffed running on a tennis court!
BOTH STAY
50'S HOUSEWIFE LAUREN AND ELON MUSK CLINT *Note to self: don’t write Clint in capitals.
Lauren threw the boot at Eliot by telling the world what an upgrade Clint was over Toilet, and Clint congratulated the Experts on what a "great job" they'd done matching them together. “Lauren is the most stunning person in the room," and I swear I heard Jacqui bitch slap Ryan. "How fckn hard is it to say? Hmmmmmm?"
BOTH STAY
I COMPLETE ME JACQUI AND JACQUI WITH A PEEN RYAN
Ryan, dropping Murine in his eyes in preparation for blink morse code, apologised to Teejay and Beth for the wedding drama, explaining the rap sheet of his errors was the initial cause. And FAR OUT, RYAN, WHY BRING IT UP??
The Jacqui show, with Sybil in tow, returned as she pulled the rap sheet out of her bra while Ryan blinked H E L P M E once again.
"His behaviour was disappointing: he dip-dropped me at the wedding and didn't make it up by dipping me 100 times to make it up! 3 DIPS! Not 100! I WANT FLOWERS!" and dry cried. Yup, it's just what she does.
Ryan acknowledged he should have listened and gone back to Jacqui with "how I was going to improve... you were trying to help me grow as a man."
Man, I know you both just wanna stay, so get TF off my screen. BOTH STAY with Ryan adding, "It's chaotic and catastrophic," and Jacqui, not wanting to let Ryan get the last word, added, "I wrote STAY to give Ryan the chance to be the man he COULD be."
DEIDRE CHAMBERS JEFF AND WHAT A COINCIDENCE/LOOK AT MY SHOULDER RHI
Rhi decided to bring up the Great Text Message Scandal of 2025 again, and look Rhi, please don't. I mean, I get it, this is your chance to get some airtime, but you're literally giving it back to Jacqui, who used it as another chance to cry, "I was in a bad **sniff sniff** place and needed support 'cause I want people to call out Ryan for his behaviour....***sniff sniff*** Soz Rhi, oh and your shoulder looks nice too!"
Back on the couch, Rhi felt the crowd losing interest and decided to throw in, "OH yeah, and we've been intimate, which is exciting," and come on now, #ismissionaryreallythatexciting?
BOTH STAY
BABY REINDEER BILLY AND REALITY RETREAD SIERAH
Billy wanted an apology from Sierah for sharing "meat" with Yo Adrian, and Sierah wasn't having it. "Ummmm.... maybe I could have addressed him?" Do ya think? I tell ya, Sierah really annoyed me by dragging out the word "yeaaaaahhhhhh" with zero emotion on her face while Billy sat there kicked on the couch. I think I finally understood the whole "stab you in your sleep" comment by Garfield PJ's Jake.
Expert Mel asked Sierah if she had a "deeper connection with Yo Adrian," and Sierah, looking over at Yo, said, "I just find him easier to talk to than Billy... for sure." Yo let her down by responding, "No, I don't," when asked the same question. Taking the focus off the Great Meat Scandal of 2025, Sierah yelled, "Billy wanted to wife swap!... why say that if you liked me?"
Hush, child, even the Experts knew that wasn’t the real Billy, that was just Frustrated Billy
Billy did the syllable clap at Sierah, "I wanted a DEE-PER CON-NEC-TION! You don't give me what I need!" before showing us he'd written LEAVE, which Sierah matched.
Billy, not wanting to leave the show on a bad note, made comments about Sierah being "a beautiful person inside and out... for the first few weeks," and Sierah saw an opportunity. "I'm full of regret; I wish I'd written STAY," before looking at the Experts, willing them to say, "OH well, you guys can stay." But no. #thankchrist. Expert Mel just said, "Rules are rules; off you fck!"
BOTH LEAVE
REALITY RETREAD #2 TEEJAY AND INT IT BETH
OK, you two, release the weird arms around each other thing, I've already explained it's not fckg Twister. These two seem happy enough, so it's #noairtimeforyou.
BOTH STAY with Beth adding, "He's my first boyfie." #boyfriendyanorthener
THE BIG FRIENDLY GIANT DAVE AND TWENTY TO LIFE JAMIE
Love is in the air between Jamie and her "ride or die for people I love," BFG Dave. Expert Mel jumped up, "LOVE? LOVE? OOOOOOOHHHHH!" Calm down, Mel; Dave's not gonna go all Tom Cruise on the couch; he's already broken his quota of seats. Leave them be. And by the way, Mel, it's not "BIG Dave," it's the BIG FRIENDLY GIANT DAVE. Don't be lazy with my names. #sayitallornotatall.
BOTH STAY
CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOSTER PAUL AND LOVE AT SECOND SIGHT CARINA
Mehhhhh, they seem loved up, but I don't quite believe the whole cutesie bop on the nose thing.
BOTH STAY
DJ MORENA AND GREG EVANS TONY
Sitting 5 metres away from each other, Tony told us how great the week had been with his "Tina Turner" singing-in-a-restaurant wife... But Tony, did you hear what song she sang? #whatslovegottodowithit.
Morena, looking down the couch at Tony through binoculars said, "Oh, there you are! That's lovely, but whatevs, I've asked him to stop fist-pumping me and headlocking me, and he still does it! I just want him to be a gentleman!"#headlockertony
Righto, Tina, I think we're hitting Nutbush City Limits now. The crowd giggled, pissing Morena off, so Tony jumped in, "OK, it's time to step it up more," and touched her shoulder. Ooooooh, fark, that touch will liven the place up a bit. Encouraged, Tony gave Morena the most awkward hug and kiss on the cheek. Yeah, this relationship won't be 'the best... better than all the rest.'
FFS Fi, stop with the Tina Turner songs; we don't need another hero. #sorrynotsorry.
BOTH STAY
AWHINA WARRIOR TWINCESS AND YO ADRIAN
Yo Adrian told everyone he left the show because “TEHIEGEGTHI IEGJEGLNK GIOAFFOIHAEF!" ***Cause I was frustrated*** (I swear that was the last subtitle), and Expert John snipped "Nah Mumbles, you gave an ultimatum: 'either put me in the promo or I'll leave.'" #promoscandalof2025.
Here's the rest of the couch convo:
YO: I was disrespected! Fck this, not fair. I'm a MAN; I make mistakes! I'm upset.
ME: No, you're not.
Jamie from the couch chimed in, "He has no empathy; this is hard to watch," and Toilet smiled a "thank fck he's here on the podium too."
AWHINA: DEFLECTOR!
YO: I'M TRYING TO TALK!
ME: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
**Intermission for Expert John:** Expert John gave YO a bollocking for having no empathy, chucking a childlike tanty, eating meat with Sierah, being fiery at the Dinner Party, not saying sorry, his aggressive fight style, not letting Awhina talk, and his overall twatwafflery. Onya, John. Back to the convo.
YO: I KNOW! I self-sabotage and stuff.
AWHINA: I'm not a priority!
YO: Us MEN can react heavily on emotions and make dumb decisions. That's what I done #did
ALESSANDRA: Being a man has nothing to do with it.
YO: Did I say man? Oh yeah, of course, of course.
Old mate the BFG jumped in, "Wouldn't you love to learn how to be so open with someone like her? She'll love you to the end of days, mate; she's so gorgeous!" #beadave
Yo realised the potential of losing his Orthodontics sponsorship, so fell on his toy sword. "I care for her! I need to do better! I guess there's only one way to prove it... hahahaha. She wasn't being seen or heard, so the ONLY way to fix it is for me to STAY!" ***whispers*** "Sucked in, fckrs, you can't get rid of me that easy."
We go to Awhina for her decision, and she read from her Confession Week letter: "I am being selfish, missing significant milestones as a mum in the pursuit of love, and need to put my child first. It's not worth being away from those milestones... so yeah, I wrote LEAVE. Sorry."
Ummmmm, don't fckn apologise for wanting to leave the freaking smiling assassin, Chicka! Far out, get up and leave like Toilet did ‘cause Yo looks as thunderous as fck.
Yo mumbled something insincere about “showing up” and moved back to the couples couch with his arm limply hanging over Awhina’s shoulder.
The BFG looked over at Yo and wagged his finger, "Don’t fck this up." #loveyoudave
Yo had the last word: “fhejejehdn firies Dr tooenrndn.” Sorry, couldn’t help myself; he said, "I took accountability... ***sniff*** I know I can show up."
Nah mate. Just leave her alone… your online sales aren’t worth it.
And that’s all she wrote.
Toodlepips pips!
Fi xx