Episode 11
TOOT TOOT MUDDAPLUCKERS!
Sorry it’s late folks, the train had to stop for a dip in disinfectant…Here's the update for Trash Bags, ep 11 of the Trash Train that is Married At First Sight Australia
Well I just found out that I Complete Me Jacqui really is great at all types of jobs. #whoknew. Yup, Jacqui With A Peen Ryan has a big mouth about his own peen and how great I Complete Me Jacqui is with it #inhers. Hmmmm what a knobend he is, but more on that later.
It's Intimacy Week Part 2, and we're still stuck in the freaking contra tower of pleasure #eeeewfi Let's have a quick whip around to check how the mob are coping being forced into baring their bits on national telly:
Casper The Friendly Ghoster Paul was happy with his Nutella licking wife, Love At Second Sight Carina. Twenty to Life Jamie was "walking funny" from her night with The BFG Dave even though #its7fckn30people. Baby Reindeer Billy's hands were sore after the massage with a frustrated Reality Retread Sierah, while next door, DJ Morena yapped on to Greg Evans Tony, who nodded off mid-sentence. #samedarlsame
I Complete Me Jacqui was still pissed at Ryan for not being complimentary enough during her Worship Me Ultimate Fantasy Night. Yup, Ryan's "ooooh your hair, your intelligence.. are Ooooh! Turn me on!!" weren't enough. No Sirree Bob, it had to be total adoration notes read from the palm cards Jacqui prepared earlier. Can I leave this couple alone until the #bjscandal later please? It actually hurts to watch them.
Speaking of annoying couples, Awhina Warrior Twincess was in a bad mood, and I tell ya, there's nothing worse than a bad mood and a full bin. FFS Yo Adrian, is it really that hard to empty the bin? #inthebinforyouyo
Sexpert Melania Alessandra and The Boys:
Alessandra purred a "did you all reap the benefits of the in-ti-ma-cy ac-tee-vee-tees? Let's talk, Paul, you leetle French ghooooster, how was eet? (Yes, I'll stop that as it's really freaking annoying as I talk like that as I type #yeeeees) It turns out Paul is a bit of a 'Dom', but was happy Carina went 'all in' #nomateyouwentallin.
Greg Evans Tony explained his Kate and Leo painting moment was "one of the most beautiful things" he'd ever done. Alessandra mumbled "yes, sweet. And what about you, Deidre Chambers Jeff? How is your off-the-shoulder wearing bride Rhi?"
***intermission while I add: Tell me I'm not dreaming about Rhi's penchant for wearing EVERY shirt off one shoulder like she's on the poster of Flashdance? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Intermission over***
Jeff was chuffed with his night, and Alessandra was all "yes, it's so strange you two knew each other" #yesquitestrange.
Then we look to Baby Reindeer Billy and his rough masseuse hands. "Yeah, I walked in, and Sierah's legs were spread on a chair - I could see everything, and EVERY part of her body was touched." Ummmmm, Billy, clearly not EVERY part, yeah? Billy wants to 'build a connection' with Sierah before they shag, and hang on a sec... something is going on here as these two apparently boofed two weeks ago and STOPPED. Yeah, nah. What happened? Did Sierah stick her pinkies up your bot bot and trap you in the corner of the room? #suspicious.
Aaaand then we had Jacqui With a Peen Ryan talk about his fight with I Complete Me Jacqui last night. "The crazy eyes came out! Oh yeah, hahaha try living with IT. She gets intense..." Man, this freaking guy forgetting his own lines and using Jake's, what a dckhead. The boys and Alessandra were speechless, and Ryan, using his crazy good warrior spidey senses, knew they wanted more. "Oh yeah, and I gotta say, she gives awesome head," and did that weird chef's kiss thing.
***Crickets***
What a fckg knobend. I mean, I know it's something else Jacqui can add to her CV, but what the living fck? Did Ryan just cockblock himself on national telly forever like Deeply Discounted Tool Tim did? What the hell is it with these men??
The blokes all returned home and just about busted a nut telling the girls about the #dramallama of the 'crazy eyes' and "awesome head" pulava from Ryan. Yup, instead of giving Ryan a bollocking at the TIME OF THE FCKG INCIDENT they waited to spill the tea. Far out, but then the Dinner Party would be boring sooooo.....#gutlesswonders.
Tony WOULD have told Morena, but she cut him off by quoting out of her book "How To Be An Active Listener: The Advanced Guide." Tony rolled his eyes and walked away, "here she goes again," as she hollered out another quote. Loooooord and Sweet Baby Cheeses, please make her stop talking. #tonytonytonytony.
Frustrated with being forcibly muted, Tony asked Morena to 'stop talking and let me speak' before leaving the apartment in frustration. Oh Tony, Tony Tony Tony Tony, SHE. WAS. PIIIIISSSSSSED OFF! "No one tells ME to stop talking... not on my watch. I wanted an alpha, not a child!" Holy shit, she was angry folks #whenmorenasattack.
Down the hall, Sexpert Melania Alessandra had set up a few ac-tee-vee-tees involving sex questions for Dave "have you shagged in public?" to Jamie who, of course, admitted she had. At the zoo. With birds watching. #catchthosefeatherswouldyoudarl. While across the hall, the lovely pairing of Jeff and ***NAME CHANGE*** Check Out My Shoulder Rhi stared into each other's eyes and made out. #lovethisforthem.
And just when I thought we'd end nicely on MAFS, Tony arrived back to calmly apologize to Morena....here's their convo:
TONY: *respectfully* I'm sorry, I was just excited to tell you about my day and y-
MORENA: TONY! NO ONE STOPS ME TALKING.
TONY: *calmly* yeah, let me expla-
MORENA: NO ONE SAYS STOP TALKING TO ME!
TONY: OK.
MORENA: YOU SAID NO TALKING SO I'M NOT TALKING ***keeps talking***
TONY: OK. Well, sit down.
MORENA: I'M NOT TALKING ***keeps talking***
Tony had enough and left to the good old 'Gong, so Morena did a rant voiceover as she went to bed. "Yooohooo Tony! Oh that's right, you're not here ***insert rant that I tuned out of*** Why do you want to be with everyone else except for me? WHY? Night Tony." #icouldgiveyouahint.
Oh yeah, Jamie and Carina had a gossip about the Crazy Eyes/Awesome Head #dramallama coming tomorrow night at the Dinner Party. And I'm here for it.
And that was all she wrote.
Toodle Pips!
Fi xx